I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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