I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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