u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
