Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
