The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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