I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
