the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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