i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
