you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
