the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
