Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
