I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
