Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
