By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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