you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
