I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
