i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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