in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
