I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
