A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
