I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
