The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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