Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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