she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
