I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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