I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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