I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
