Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
