I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
