you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
