i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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