Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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