My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
