What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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