I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
