I think I died a long time ago.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
