I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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