No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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