I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
