I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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