well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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