I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
