God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
