I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
ok first of all what the fuck
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
