dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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