i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
