i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
