i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
