im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
