The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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